Park Bench Love

Earlier this week I found myself with some time in the afternoon and decided to get a bit of winter sunshine.  My mind had been racing and I was hoping to find some stillness, or even just a change.  It was a chance to leave the house so I went out expecting the same stroll, on the same route, in the usual timeframe. 

But of course I saw a bench (which you already know because you read the headline) and I felt drawn to stop and sit.

And so I sat.  The longer I sat there, the more I noticed I was feeling tense and groggy all at the same time.  And exhausted by the merry-go-round of my thoughts.  

I became aware of how much I had been dismissing my feelings, not wanting to be this or that, not wanting to be irritated, not wanting to have so many wants (and all at once.)  

I want so much/so strongly that it embarasses me!

Sitting there, I felt the unbelievable weight of it all.  Especially the shame and embarrassment.  It was physically uncomfortable, and my legs ached, as if trying to move this energy into the ground.  My body felt so heavy, as if I might fall through the ground.  But I was committed to staying present with all the discomfort and all the sensations.

And maybe you think you know where this is going, dear reader?  That I practiced mindfulness until the discomfort passed? Or just discharged into the ground? Or some wild animal came by and distracted me with beauty and wisdom and changed my perspective completely?  Well, by now you know that I fear becoming droll and predictable so I couldn't let this story end in the usual way.  I had to shake things up, lest you bore of my stories and I bore myself. 

So...

...I was kind to myself.  

I sat there for nearly an hour and comforted myself with "Of Course You Feel That Way" instead of trying not to feel the way I truly feel or not want what I actually want. 

This is a long post and you have come this far but it doesn't seem right to wrap this up in the usual way- you deserve the best and you have come so far- I will leave to speculation how this park bench scene actually ended and you can finish the tale as you see fit. 

I will say though, that my hope for you, is that you find the love you are looking for.  XOXO